13th August 2014

Post with 103 notes

MOST POPULAR NEW FORM OF “RESISTING ARREST”:

GENTLY BEGGING FOR YOUR LIFE

13th August 2014

Question with 25 notes

Anonymous said: grow up

THANKS FOR THE ADVICE! GLAD WE HAD THIS CHAT.

IT WAS REALLY KIND OF YOU TO TAKE THE TIME TO ENGAGE MEANINGFULLY WITH ME ON THIS WEBSITE. 

I DON’T EVEN WISH VERY MUCH THAT ALL YOUR SKIN WOULD GET CHEWED OFF BY DOGS

31st July 2014

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THERE’S NO LAW REQUIRING CROWDS TO GATHER AROUND SHALLOW OUTRAGE WHILE THE WORLD’S RESOURCES ARE SQUANDERED BY THE WEALTHY AND IRRESPONSIBLE

IT’S A CHOICE WE’RE MAKING

31st July 2014

Post with 12 notes

THERE’S NO LAW REQUIRING TODDLERS TO LOVE WEARING WINGS THEY JUST LOVE IT

IT’S A CHOICE THEY’RE MAKING

30th July 2014

Post with 28 notes

INSTEAD OF EATING YOUR FOOD, DON’T EAT YOUR FOOD

INSTEAD OF SPENDING YOUR MONEY, LAY ON THE GROUND WITHOUT MOVING FOR A VERY LONG TIME

INVEST IN A RICH FUTURE OF SURPLUS AND IMMOBILITY

30th July 2014

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ONE EASY WAY TO SAVE MONEY

IS TO JUST STOP USING YOUR RESOURCES

GET IN A TINY ROOM

AND CLOSE THE DOOR

26th July 2014

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I DISTRUST ANYONE WHO GIVES LIFE ADVICE BUT SEEMS TO LACK COMPASSION FOR OTHERS

THATS WHY I GET ALL MY COUNSEL FROM SLEEPY DOGS

25th July 2014

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NEW VERSION OF ENGLISH THAT HAS TWICE AS MANY VOWELS, HALF THE CONSONANTS

SOUNDS LIKE A BUNCHA TONGUES SWIMMING IN OTHER TONGUES

LIKE A BOWL FULL OF JELLYBEANS ONLY INSTEAD OF JELLY BEANS IT’S WET TONGUES

17th July 2014

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I HAVE NO BRAND CONTINUITY

*wins an award for impressive lack of brand continuity*

WOW THIS IS SO GREAT

12th July 2014

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the secret music of my hands grasping the bottle
and the satisfying cracking as i twist the seal
and then hold it up to the light

the liquid somewhere between gasoline and magic

the first taste of liquor is like a trumpet blown directly
down my throat

if gravity is real, EVERYTHING on the surface of earth is
trying to get to the center but gets interrupted somewhere
along the way

the second feels like swallowing an entire fur coat

like how millionaires do

for dinner

i take a third and i can wonder

if an octopus, ANY octopus, has ever been drunk
AND imagine eating an entire cello at the same time

there’s no laws against it and anyway I’m an outlaw

but a casual outlaw

i’m an outlaw, except i don’t make a big deal about it

you can probably already tell by the cut of my jeans

and here is an open invitation to imagine an octopus
wearing a pair of jeans

feel free to redeem at any time

it’s a great time to be alive

even if almost all evidence points
to the contrary

7th July 2014

Photo with 8 notes

YOU’LL NEVER CATCH…..THE WORM!

YOU’LL NEVER CATCH…..THE WORM!

7th July 2014

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I CAN’T COPY OR PASTE ANYTHING FROM FB RIGHT NOW AND IM REALLY CONFUSED

2nd July 2014

Post with 16 notes

IM RITUALISTIC IN SMALL, MODEST WAYS. FOR INSTANCE WHEN I TURN 40 I PLAN TO BEGIN STYLING MY HAIR AS IF I AM AN FBI AGENT WHO IS TIRED OF BEING ALIVE

21st June 2014

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IT IS *EXTREMELY* MY BIRTHDAY TODAY

21st June 2014

Post with 56 notes

DO SPIDERS HAVE MEMORY

WILL A SPIDER REMEMBER IF WE’VE KISSED